For the past 8 months, I’ve been in mourning. Mourning the loss of my business – my little entrepreneurial babies. Mourning my life and what it once was – not that it was perfect, of course. In the midst of it all — the chaos I say I hate but must secretly love — there was also laughter and fun, pumping along in our handcar. There was a feeling of hope, a sort of promise that a future was being created that was really good.
I’ve been reflecting on it all now for some time, which I’ve had in abundance since I am apparently no longer employable now that I have actually been the employer. (Sigh) I’ve felt the gamut of emotions – not a beautiful arc of healing, but the jerking up-and-down of a see-saw. There’s been anger, guilt, sadness, but mostly the overwhelmingly blah-ness that settles in when there is little to do, talk about, or look forward to.
This try/fail thought motion in my head has been nauseating:
Try – I am lucky to have this time and can’t squander it. Do (insert endless list of ideas here)!
Fail – Um, no thanks. I’m not feeling it right now.
Though somewhere in the midst of my resisting bitterness, I can’t deny that I’ve been healing. I feel it in the little moments that exist – a memory that doesn’t feel as sad or a picture that isn’t as painful to look at as it used to. I know the see-saw of emotions will always rock when grieving, but maybe, through this writing, I can get it to tilt upwards again.
Comments are closed